“What do I want most?”
This past week I had a chance to speak with a group of parents. We walked through a number of topics, but one that I have been really working into my own life is the idea of wrestling with God. We have all heard the story of Jacob, who wrestled with God throughout the night seeking a blessing. I am inspired by his relentless pursuit of a blessing. God touched his hip and caused it to be put out of joint. At this point I imagine a man hurt and unable to push against his opponent. So when he is unable to push what does he do? Then God asked Jacob to let him go as the morning had come. He was simply holding on to God and seeking a blessing.
There are many times in my life when I simply push through circumstances. There are other times when we are unable to push through and we do run to God in prayer. However, I have been asking myself a different question. Previously, I would ask myself what do I need God’s help with and so I would pray for those things. As I get older I am realizing that the “Need God’s help” list is growing as I am becoming more aware that I am very limited in what I can do. I want to see God in my work, in my home, and in my friendships. I want to see him do great things and deep things. My desires are growing and I am quite unable to achieve them.
This begs the question. What am I wrestling with on a daily basis? When I wrestle with my schedule, is it so that I can be more organized, or do I blame the “crazy busy” mind set. When I wrestle with my spouse, am I trying to fix something, or do I recognize the relational brokenness that has existed since the fall? When wrestling with my kids, am I training them or considering the fallen nature of a child and their need for a Holy God. The sad reality often times is in my flawed belief system. I believe, if I can “fix” these things, then my life will be better. If “better” means more organized, more relational, more developed then perhaps this is true. But, if life is really only found in Christ, then perhaps not.
This story of Jacob causes me to reconsider, “What do I want most?” Jesus or stability; Jesus or organized schedules; Jesus or a perfect Facebook family? The answer to these questions will determine what I wrestle with and what I wrestle for. There are many things that are good. There is only one thing that is truly great enough to satisfy the deepest parts of our soul. Let us wrestle with God for a blessing that is deep and overflowing. Let Him change our name and we will be changed.